Breaking Silence

You ever have that feeling that you absolutely had to say something, absolutely had to scream what you feel, voice your opinion, and you’re ready to finally stand up for what you believe in and…

…and then you try and open your mouth and its just glued shut.  You try and make a sound but nothing comes out.

Part of my issues with social situations come with my inability to filter what I think, but for some reason, whenever I actually think I have something important to say, or something that I feel strongly about, its as if my brain shuts down and ever intelligent word leaves my mind and I just end up sitting there, seething.

I think that’s why I love to write and blog so much.  When I write, I can get my thoughts down on paper (or a computer screen) and take a good look at them, edit what I want, and say it in a way that I know others will understand.  And when I write, I’m anonymous for the most part.  Either what I write is completely private and hidden away (yes, I still keep diaries.) or it’s online and without a name, assuring that none of my friends or family see it.

I can never trust my ideas, opinions, and beliefs enough to really stand up for them and not back down.  There have been countless times where my friends and I have gotten into disagreements and I have just backed down, not trying to cause a confrontation.  There have been many times that I know I’ve been wronged where I’ve held my tongue.

True, I’ve gotten much better at standing up for myself.  If someone is blatantly hurting me or someone I care about, I rarely stand for it, whereas a younger me would have turned the other cheek.  But I still feel insecure and unsure when I stand up for myself – what if my words come out too harshly?  What if I’m wrong?  What if I get in trouble for this? – and so my argument comes out shaky and quiet.

I think it mostly stems from my dislike of confrontation.  I tend to avoid confronting others even over simple things, and even making simple requests of others can become a big chore for me.  I need to become more okay with rejection, denial, and, sometimes being wrong in what I’m standing for.  We all are, sometimes.  And that’s okay – just as long as we apologize for and learn our mistakes.  Be open minded and listen to all viewpoints, but don’t back down from your own just to be nice.

In the words of my choir teachers: Loud and Proud, Strong and Wrong.